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Vamps Be Damnd

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Throat Choked Muscles Clenched [Aug. 22nd, 2006|04:10 pm]
Dad's gone and spoiled it for me,
breaking, screaming, falling drops,
pain is the only thing in life I see,
throat is dry and muscles tensed,
hatred taking all my soul,
a demon inside of me waiting to be free,
my self control failing from hoards of teeming masses
wanting a piece of fame for themselves
words falling to pieces like shattered glass,
more breaking and screaming, no control,
I'm dying from the inside out,
throat is dry and muscles clenched,
8 yrs old I scream in my own angry pain,
I'm being eaten from the inside out
a young teenager I want to fall into someone's arms and cry,
but no, I must maintain the image
image of carefree, cool kid,
handles anything with ease,
while I really just want to fall,
fall into a loving embrace,
not from my mother,
not even from my father I've never known,
but a person that completes me,
throat is dry and muscles tensed,
but I can't in front of them,
the people I'm faking, lying to everyday,
the ones who tortured me until high school,
idiotic pranks to get approval from them,
now I've fooled them into believing
believing I'm another self-controlled person,
you can approach, he wont bite,
throat dry and muscles clenched,
screaming bloody fucking murder,
I swing on the swing set,
the only swing they haven't broken,
I swing hoping to be found by someone,
someone who'll make me fall, make me give up my self-control,
give them everything holding nothing back,
the demon is in me and he wants to kill,
kill the world and enjoy the blood,
feel the pain of medieval tortures,
laugh and show them..
that I've dealt with more pain then this you fucking bastards,
my throat dry and muscles tensed,
I tire and rest knowing that I can take solice in pain,
the friend thats never left me and never expects anything from me
but what I already have,
and his name is pain.
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Childheart [Aug. 22nd, 2006|04:10 pm]
I once was a little boy that loved the world,
he played in the garden with his mother who loved him,
he didn't care that he didn't have a father,
he didn't know the pain that he was in for,
the moving and the ridicule,
his first little love a nation away,
friends being far and few,
he didn't know he'd remember with sadness,
his life and the ignorance of childhood,
wanting to feel that taste of bliss again,
after another day of dying,
I once was a young boy who didn't care that he and his mommy were poor,
who didn't care that he had no friends,
and that the friends he had would soon be forgotten as he rolled along in the moving truck,
not even that boy knew what was coming,
but he knew what had already happened,
New Bear leaving him and him not being able to find his friend,
the slaughter of his stuffed buddies brought about by an angry mom and the salvation army,
I used to be an angry kid that was tortured,
by the people he called his friends,
he saw and felt the beginnings of that immense burden,
realizing he has no father he cried himself to sleep,
he went to school and cried there as well,
not then finding what other kids had found,
masks of flesh and bone carved to perfection,
facsimiles to put on your face to hide your feelings,
going from school to school now,
knowing he was poor and worthless,
no longer loving his mother,
forgetting about God yet remembering he was alone,
crying that if he never let anyone in he'd never be hurt,
now as a teenager I cry bittersweet tears for him,
the one who used to define me,
the little boy who held the world in his loving embrace,
now I am a teenager, losing touch with love,
wishing I could give my love to her,
but remembering the others who held my love,
how they scattered in the wind like crows feathers,
how I wish I could feel happiness again,
aloft and rising to joy that left me decades ago,
lost in a sweet kiss I fall back crying blood,
how wonderful if I could feel love, feel loved,
within my body I scream for it,
I cry for it,
but I fear it left when that little boy I used to be was killed
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Cold Melancholy [Aug. 22nd, 2006|04:09 pm]
I cannot feel anything,
No loving ache or heart wrenching anger,
I can feel immense sadness or hopeless longing,
Since the night I could of had,
That which I wanted,
but did not take,
A void-filling kiss I did not partake,
Yearning for something I had and lost,
but when I could have it again, the melancholy,
the loneliness that had no place beside what should of been joy,
it came choking my throat and leaving me empty,
On the lake of crystal pearls,
Sliding on knives of depression,
The cold took me and froze my heart,
Maddenly blind the chaos unleashed,
angry spirits of angst and bleeding hearts flew,
jealously blocking my view,
confusing tearing off my ears,
A fight I did not start nor partake in continued,
enveloping more than angry strifes,
it caused my body to scream and cry for blood,
love and friendship based on my insecurities held me back,
because I thought maybe they meant something to more then just me,
escaping chaos began a new journey,
a winding road of too much thought,
the stretch of muscle and sinew,
and then the closed door,
breaking me off from what I could of had but did not take
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Watching [Aug. 22nd, 2006|04:08 pm]
Sometimes I feel like a crow,
Or what I think a crow should feel,
black as night and melancholy,
watching from a bird's eye view,
as lives are bent and broken,

but its my life I'm watching,
seeing my confusion and desperation take its toll,
on the people I love and those who love me,

graceful movements bring me to a coarse scene,
blood filling my veins as I scream at nothing,
its burning my soul as I try to make sense,
of hatred and love and green jealousy,

feeding the fire of my funeral pyre,
like a heathen king my ashes fly so high,
joining the black sky of crow's feathers,
but then someone will come along and collect,
gathering my ashes and making me anew,

now I watch as my body feels love,
love for that which made me like the phoenix,
then Ecstasy dies replaced by a hardened heart,
trying to make sense of the chaos,
as the emotions grabs my throat and chokes,

adrenaline pumping through my muscles I cleanse,
my oblique purgatory,
but still I cry myself to sleep
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Laughter [Aug. 22nd, 2006|04:07 pm]
Some people find happiness and love from family and friends,
I'm not that kind of person,
I find love and happiness in the people who wouldn't accept me,
so I changed for them,
now I find love in her smile,
happiness in his laugh,
because people will only love me for my gift of laughter,
no matter how ill used it may be,
they find joy in my jokes,
they smile at my crazy faces,
they laugh at my attention seeking antics,
but they don't love me or care for me,
they don't care for the boy, the man, the kid,
they enjoy the facade I hide behind,
I cant make her feel happy with me unless I give her my lie,
when we kissed she didn't kiss me,
she kissed the boy who doesn't show his pain and instead makes her laugh,
maybe it is a part of me,
but it wasn't all of me, just a part,
it doesn't matter that I care for all of her,
because love is selective, choosy,
it wants to feel loved and feel happy,
then when my calls go to waste,
and half excuses keep me from her,
I know then when I tried to show her me,
she recoiled and couldn't accept,
so I return to the facade,
because is this is the only way I can find happiness,
then this way I shall take,
for who among you can deny,
that you will take the easy road to false happiness,
rather than suffer a lifetime of rejection, regret, before you found happiness is death,
for the only true happiness I see my friends,
a happiness that I can possibly obtain,
is the peace and happiness of death.
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Pure Instinct [Aug. 22nd, 2006|04:06 pm]
I want to start over,
I want to begin again,
Life takes so much but doesn't give enough back,
Not enough for me to feel like I'm alive,
Not enough for the demon to rest,
My emotions wasted away in a stream of pain,
Cold ice reawakening memories,
A swing set reawakening memories,
Everything I touch and feel making me remember,
The comfort of comforting,
The fall of insecurities and running on pure instinct,
But I can't remember the most important thing,
What it felt like,
I remember that I was exhilarated,
Enthralled with my new sense of touch and taste,
But then the thoughts came,
Analytical, cold, foolish insecure thoughts,
When I loved I wanted ,
When I d I wanted to love,
Muscles straining and the metal bar beating my brow,
As I remember my tear-soaked sheets,
I've never been able to accept,
Accept joy and happiness as real, more than an illusion,
I've never seen how true love can cause internal ,
Internal desperation is so intense no liquid can cure the thirst,
Except the falling of insecurities and feeling pure instinct,
Like a wolf I prey on countless creations,
Some physical, some pure emotional,
But unlike a wolf I have words,
And my predator has words as well,
Words filled with and desolation,
Spoken in haste they cause the instinct to leave,
The wolf goes and all I have is words,
Words of desperation, of anger and of rejection,
Of personal sorrows and woes,
But the predator cruelly slashes theirs with a computed line,
The loss of a word causes even more pain,
And as I'm left, confused and fetal,
And as others say they care,
I've lost the point, the meaning, the goal,
If I ever even had it in the first place,
I used to think somehow, someday I'd make it right,
Just like the song,
But instead I learn how to crawl,
And I lose myself, behind facades, named Tom, Ben, and David,
Tom, who I could of been, me perfected,
Ben, the unknown element, the one I don't understand,
and David, me in all my pain and ripped flesh,
I him the most,
Because he remembers every feeling of rejection, from decade past,
He remembers every possible chance of redemption I didn't take,
Maybe I wont be able to handle this much longer,
Because knowing the people I want to care, don't,
Feels like a very hard burden to bear.
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Lamia [Aug. 22nd, 2006|04:05 pm]
Black spills over the dome of the sky,
Revealing the true king of the sky's pale glory,
A hand gently caresses the back of her neck,
Her eyes close as she rocks back and forth,
Her mouth agape in expectation,
The otherworldly lover endows her a silver kiss,
Two figures inseparable as the mind yields,
Leaving the black knight's poison to be free,
The curves of her body press against him,
His hand holding her fast at the small of her back,
Her head tilts back when he moves from the kiss,
Staring at the blackness she feels his tender kisses down her neck,
While he's gently sucking a low moan escapes her lips,
Before she knows it is rolling down her breast,
and no longer is his kiss tender and sweet,
her exsanguination is his life now,
for her is a Lamia, taking life so that he may live,
as her meager remains let loose her now free spirit,
she is given one more of his tender kisses,
then before the black sky falls unveiling crimson dawn,
Lamia dissolves leaving the world with one less loving soul to fill the void,
Lamia has another name you might know him by,
His name is Pride,
His name is Jealousy,
His name is Love,
His name is Vampyre.
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Fantasy [Aug. 22nd, 2006|04:05 pm]
I am always sad,
(My entire life, emptiness
In my stomach, in my mind)
I am always in pain,
(Sometimes bodily, always emotional
It doesn't have to be food or drink I lack
Many times, just holding my arms against her skin
A feeling of monumental happiness
I'm embarrassed, to be so broken
by years' difference in our lives)
I feel like a little boy,
lost in a , loving embrace
kill the dragon, get the damsel
she'll love me all her life,
but we feed our children lies,
unless I missed my happy ending,
I lack perfection,
The ability to be good enough,
The will to do enough
I don't know how to prove myself
Lost in shadow I lie awake
stock-still and terrified
of the creatures of the night
never trusting, never cared about
I feel I have no protection
I used to want to be one
A creature of the night
A vampire in particular
Will I eat this week
Can I hide myself against this
The opposition fell, gave up on the walls
I repair and rebuild, never do I trust again
never will my walls break again
one person holds the key, me and her eternity
(I'm dreaming a dream aren't I
of boys and horses and swords and knights,
hoping I'm a part of that
as if I really could save myself)
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Mythos [Aug. 22nd, 2006|04:03 pm]
I am the wolf that swallows the sun,
I am the god with the poisoned eye,
Niether Ragnarok nor Apocalypse stops me,
Twisting and writhing from pain while hating thousands from a single spot,
I am the king of the dead and the fields of Elysse,
Hated and scorned but the most powerful of all,
Making this bleak world my domain,
I am the one with the Dark Gift,
Given to me by all the Ancients,
Personified by Pan and told about in Grimm

Superficially I'm faithless desire and broken hope,
Mere flesh and bone ere your eyes to judge,
Skin deep and no more,
This facade falls into place and I'm everyone else,
Wanting to kill myself like everyone else nowadays,
But not brave enough to do so like a scarce few souls,
When you sliced your flesh it used to mean something,
Now it's reduced to a fad,
Meaningless waste of human emotion,
Because were all so lonely and cold

I can sense the cold,
Permeating throughout my entire body,
All the way, even to my fingertips,
It turns my heart to ice,
And it freezes my bones until they shatter,
My dreams are landscapes of frost,
Also my friends cant come near me lest they freeze to ,
Dark ice forms my tears,
Only in a pool of iniquity do I feel warmth,
With a love as dark, as cold, and as sinful as myself

For years I've had a hunger,
Searching for the answer to a painful equation,
Lust is my vice and sin is my discovered cure.
But its a temporary fix like so many in the world,
My stomach yearns for me, it growls with teeth,
I try to find meaning in spirituality,
But the gods are quarrelsome and unyielding,
Atheism is no better with it's false pride,
She is my only cure, my single balm,
Relieving some of my pain
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